Vampires Suck is a 2010 spoof film based on the The Twilight Saga. In the film, Becca Crane moves to Sporks to live with her clueless father, Sheriff Frank, after her mother starts an affair with Tiger Woods. Meanwhile, killings have been happening to random people and the number one suspects are the Kardashians. Becca is quickly befriended by many students at her new high school, including Jennifer but she is intrigued by the mysterious and aloof Edward Sullen, who perplexes her during their time in the biology class, despite thinking she smells of tuna. Later, Becca is nearly struck by a van in the school parking lot. Edward inexplicably moves from several feet away and stops the vehicle by thrusting another student in its path without any harm to himself or Becca (the other student is very badly injured). He later refuses to explain this act to Becca and warns her against befriending him. After much research, she tells Edward that she knows what he is, but reaches the wrong conclusion that he is a Jonas Brother. Edward corrects her, saying he is a vampire but that he only consumes animal blood, and shows her the shiny bling he wears under his clothes. The pair fall in love, and he introduces Becca to his vampire family on her birthday. While unwrapping a gift, Becca gets a paper cut, causing Edward's family to go into a blood frenzy and try to kill her before Edward fights them off. Realizing the danger that he and his family pose to Becca, Edward ends their relationship while saving her from the one of the three nomadic vampires who have been killing humans, Jack, by knocking his head off with a baseball bat. Jack's head flies through Sheriff Frank's car window, and he blames the Kardashians. Edward's departure leaves Becca heartbroken for months (and screaming for hours), and she discovers that thrill-seeking activities and attempted suicides evoke Edward's preserved image. She is also comforted by her deepening friendship with Jacob White, the cheerful childhood friend who eases her pain over losing Edward. When Becca is accosted in the woods by another of the nomadic vampires (the third not appearing, as she was recast), Jacob transforms into a Chihuahua as his werewolf pack arrives to save her. Meanwhile, Edward has moved to Brazil and is now dating Lady Gaga to get over losing Becca. When his sister arrives and tells him that, with her gift of prophecy, she has seen Becca kill herself, Edward becomes depressed and decides to provoke the "Zolturi", a powerful vampire coven, by exposing himself in the sunlight at 'St. Salvatore's day' school prom and forcing them to kill him for revealing that vampires exist. His sister has another vision of Becca's survival as he leaves, but she is unable to warn him. Edward's sister arrives at Becca's house in her Porsche 911, and tells her she has to save Edward by showing him she is still alive. Jacob appears and demands that Becca choose between him and Edward, but just before she announces her decision he is distracted by a cat and runs off to chase it. Upon arriving at the prom, Becca is caught between the warring factions of Edward fangirls and Jacob fangirls. She is unable to reach Edward before he exposes himself, figuratively and literally. However, twilight occurs (followed by a new moon and an eclipse), concealing Edward's vampire nature as Becca gets him to safety. But after a fight between him and the Zolturi leader, Daro, Edward is forced to make Becca into a vampire or else he will be killed horribly. He agrees to do so only on the condition that she marry him, which she accepts. The film concludes with Edward taking a blow to the head from the head Jacob fangirl, who shouts "Team Jacob, bitch!" Edward survives the blow, and the girl is attacked by the newly-vampirized Becca.
Christopher N. Riggi
Anneliese van der Pol